Alan Bleiweiss – Alan's Great Adventure

Okay so a short while ago, a female friend on Twitter asked if the proper spelling for a common saying was “woohoo” or “woo hoo”.  A debate ensued.  Then a guy said “I prefer to say “hoo ha”.  At that point, I jumped in to inform her that she should not use the phrase, that it’s sometimes used by guys as code for vajayjay.  As in “Check out that hoo ha”.

From there all hell broke loose.

WooHoo Leads To VaJayJay Which Leads to Vajazzle

Long story short, it led to a couple women being surprised, taken aback that I, a guy (a 51 year old guy with enough gray hair in my black haired head to prove it), would use the term vajayjay. 

Another guy then chimed in with “now someone just has to teach him what “vajazzle” means.”

Except I already knew.  And pointed out that I could probably offer women styling tips if they’re considering getting vajazzled.

that little tweet caused the suggester to bow out of the conversation before his head exploded.

And that is the thing right there.

Guys like to talk about “womens” issues mostly among themselves, and usually with the stereotypical snickering.  But can only talk on the topic in mixed company very briefly before having to run away screaming.

Myopic Minds of Men

The entire discussion brings up a good point.  Most guys are clueless.  Oh, sure, they like to tout how they’re all that to, for and around women.  They act all nonchalant when it comes to how they can handle emotions better than women, how they’re more intelligent, blah blah blah.

Well the truth is that most guys are incapable of conducting intelligent, non-charged dialogue when it comes to most any topic having to do with “female issues”.  They hate having to tag along as their female companions shop for clothes, shoes, whatever.

They can’t even be in the same room with women who are talking about bikini waxes, tanning, or the latest sale going on at the nearest Liz Claiborne outlet store, without either rolling their eyes, or immediately thinking about how they’d like to perform some sexual act involving whatever it is that’s being talked about.

A Guy Is A Guy

I’ll be perfectly honest here.  I’m a guy.  A straight male.  And since I am, at the cellular level, just like every other red blooded American male, I’ve got caveman roots.  They’re alive and well.  And yes, I can, right along with the best of ‘em, engage in horny teenage boyhood humor.  So this isn’t like I’m sitting here getting all up in the face of straight guys while coming from a different place altogether.  I can definitely appreciate the underlying cause of their thinking.

Most Guys Are Idiots

What’s different for me is not the root hormonal cause of that thinking.  No – it’s more a case where most guys are clueless.  They’re at the complete mercy of those hormones that were raging when they were a pimply faced teen.  Me, on the other hand, I have a different take on things.

Since healthy straight guys “love” women, then why allow that to get in the way of actually enjoying the company of women?  It’s really self sabotage gone stupid.  By not being able to remain in the same room (let alone converse like two people in the 21st century) with women on so many topics or having to do with so many life issues, guys just end up having a lot of time where they essentially push women away.

Intelligent Design At Its Finest

Since I choose to recognize these things, and since I choose to show up in a different way, I get to spend a LOT more time with women than every one of my guy friends I’ve ever known in all these years.

I love going with women friends when they go clothes shopping, window shopping, antiquing… And they love having me along.  I treat them as equals when we’re out in the world.  I appreciate their ability to communicate how things they see make them feel.  I love how their eyes sparkle when they see a brand new summer dress for the first time, or how excited they get when they discover a great bargain.  I can identify with their inquisitive minds.

And I can appreciate that things like clothes and shoes or boots can help them feel good about something in life when there’s so much insanity, turmoil and stress going on elsewhere.

No Fear Of Offending Her

I’ve got no fear of offending a female friend as she honestly asks how a certain blouse or a uniquely cut skirt makes her look.  Why should I?  By being honest, while remaining respectful (read that not insulting), I can help them decide whether the way the item looks is actually flattering or she’s going to embarrass herself in public the 1st time she wears it.

By helping my women friends in their shopping process, I help alleviate a tremendous pressure they feel when they have to figure out on their own whether this sweater makes them look fat or that hemline puts too much emphasis on their muscular calves.  And it means the world to them that I can do that.

When Shopping is Therapy

Oh and I understand that sometimes, when they’re ‘concerned this makes me look fat’, that’s not what’s really going on at all.  Something else happened earlier in the day, yesterday, last month, that caused her to have self doubt about something – maybe it’s physical, maybe it’s intellectual.  Whatever it is, I also understand that shopping is just one more form of therapy sometimes.

So just as often, by being truly present in that moment, they’re just as likely to open up about what’s really going on.  Especially when I call them out on it.  In a low, personal tone so nobody else around hears.  And I say – what’s really going on?

They’re not afraid to talk with me about whatever it is because I get it.  We’ve connected in a way that other guys can’t because they’re too busy pushing women away.

No Subject Taboo

Of course, sometimes women might have situations in their lives that the just don’t feel comfortable talking about with guys.  Mostly because most guys are idiots, and get so uncomfortable when the topic of fibroids, or equality in the workplace, or the need to get a biopsy comes up.

Of course, a lot of these subjects are extremely personal, not just gender based.  And I really do understand why they’d be hesitant to talk to a guy about them. And we can’t discount the fact that physically, I could never possibly know exactly what a woman faces in some ways.

Understanding that Sometimes I am not capable of Understanding

Too many guys get fouled up here by saying “I understand.”  When we can’t – on the physical level.  It’s bullshit to try and say you understand what a woman faces if she’s found out the lump she discovered last week is going to need a biopsy.

And we all know that when a guy doesn’t REALLY have a clue, or when he can’t physically relate, no matter how much he says otherwise, she’s going to pick up on that.  Because she’s so in touch with her intuitive.  And she’s not dumb.

Emotional Empathy

For me though, because I live and breath for the sake of empathizing (read that as NOT sympathizing but actually empathizing), no matter what the subject, and because I have spent most of my waking life working on identifying and expressing my own emotional range in healthy ways, I can quite often be there for my women friends when they need a detached yet loving ear or shoulder.

And in those situations where it’s a physical difference, I don’t have to “understand”.  but I can sure as hell relate.  Just with different body parts.

Hell, I learned this past winter that my GERD and ensuing overuse of antacids caused me to develop a yeast infection!  Okay so it wasn’t in my vajayjay, it was my stomach.  Yet A yeast infection is a yeast infection in many ways.

And I get it that sometimes the most I can do is empathize on the emotional level.  So I don’t pretend to “understand”.  Rather, I look for the emotional process a woman faces and look for other situations in life where I’ve had similar experiences.

It’s not completely the same, yet it goes so much further than when a guy says “I understand”.

Honoring Their Space

Yet I also respect women enough to know that there are times when they don’t want a guy around, no matter what.  Which is cool. Because I don’t show up the way I do for selfish reasons – I do so because I only want to be supportive.  And being supportive guys, also means knowing when to let them have their space.  Without feeling offended or threatened.

The Funnest Example

Okay, so I smoke.  Yeah, I’m working on that.  But in the mean time, for too many years, I was annoyed at how often guys like to bum cigarettes.  Repeatedly.  Like every time I see some of them.

Well, one day, a few years ago, since I had previously liked Cools, then Newports, I decided to switch back to menthols.  Except I wanted a lighter taste.  And a woman friend handed me a Virginia Slim menthol light (now called “Gold”).  I tried it and liked it.

So I switched.  And guess what I discovered?

Most guys equate Virginia Slims with women.  Which may be the case.  Except as a result of that stuck mentality, they almost never ask for a cigarette anymore.  (Except the cigarette bums, who don’t care what it is).

And better yet, women love me for it.  Because some women prefer them over the typical Marlboro Reds or Camels most guys smoke.

And that means I get to hang out with more great women.  #WIN

This Isn’t Bragging It’s Just A  Rant

And before or if you already have judged me for this article, as though I’m writing it to brag, or boast, let’s set the record straight.  It’s just a rant. And it’s also about the fact that I care just as much about my guy friends.

So guys, you really need to wake up.  Stop treating your female friends like they’re aliens in these situations.  Take your testosterone and stick it in your back pocket the next time she asks you to go with shopping with her.  And if you go, don’t spend the whole time dreaming about the sale Sears has on their power tools.

Get With The Program Guys

Pay attention to her – actively listen.  Learn to be respectful yet truthful when she asks your opinion.  But when you do, don’t be thinking the whole time how you’re going to unwrap that present in the bedroom when the two of you get home.

I’m not saying you can’t think about that.  After all, you’re still a caveman at the cellular level right?  Just compartmentalize it for later if you have to.  Because she’ll pick up on that in a heart beat.

And if a subject comes up where you really can’t understand, don’t pretend you do.  Get past that ego trip.  Look inside to your emotional process and see if you can identify with the inner emotional similarities.

Oh – and the next time she tells you she was hanging out with Alan at the mall then went to a matinee with him, take your jealousy and throw it in the trash.  Because Alan wasn’t looking to score the whole time.  He just really loves being surrounded by intelligent, emotionally caring, self confident women, and experiencing life in ways most guys don’t.

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Photo credit Tom Harpel